(French) Instructions Not Included

Mon Dieu! Sacre Bleu! How do you say “what the hell” in French? You’ll have to excuse me, my grade 12 French classes are rather far behind me and my grasp of the language is a little rusty, beyond the use of the word crêpes (also known as really thin pancakes). All I know is that, while I like and respect French Canadians, I don’t always understand them. And I’m not talking about their sexy accents.

Honestly, I can’t comprehend some of the Quebec laws regarding the French language. More specifically, I can’t wrap my only-speaks-English-and-a-bit-of-Latin brain around the Quebec Charter of the French Language. Of course, I did waste a semester learning Latin, a language that nobody uses anymore, so what do I know? The Quebec Charter of the French Language is basically a list of what must be in French in the province of Quebec. The charter also gave birth to the Office québécois de la langue française, often referred to as the Quebec Language Police. It may sound rude but honestly, it’s just easier to call them the Quebec Language Police. Saying “Office québécois de la langue française” is awkward and long. I prefer my epithets to be a little more precise.

According to the charter, “the Office is responsible for defining and conducting Québec policy on linguistic officialisation, terminology and the francisation of the civil administration and enterprises. The Office is also responsible for ensuring compliance with this Act.” Basically, they really are the language police. The Quebec Language Police (QLP for short) respond to complaints about stuff, such as products, that do not comply with the French Language Charter. As part of their duties, the QLP started a six-year court battle with the Quebec sex shop Boutique Seduction over an American product called a Sleeve Super Stretch that does not contain French instructions. The boutique was eventually fined 500 dollars for violating the charter but has vowed to appeal. However, the boutique no longer carries the product. The QLP have said the fight was worth it, despite the fact that the store still carries other products that allegedly don’t have French instructions.

But hey, this isn’t just about sex toy instructions! Apparently there is more to the Quebec Language Police’s fight to have all sex toy instructions in French than just lengthy, expensive court battles and unenforceable standards. I mean, COME ON people! French Canadians need to know how to use their sex toys and they need to know now! If there are no French instructions on how to use a Sleeve Super Stretch, how would anyone know how to use it to supposedly increase their sexual pleasure? Maybe poor, innocent Quebecers wouldn’t even know that the Sleeve Super Stretch is for sex. Perhaps a poor, innocent, confused French farmer will someday wander into a sex shop and accidentally confuse the Sleeve Super Stretch with an a.i. glove. It’s nice that the owners of Boutique Seduction are thinking about our English-speaking needs but what about the 15 to 20 Frenchmen a year that purchased the Sleeve Super Stretch? IT CAME IN FIVE COLOURS FOR GOODNESS SAKE! That’s just confusing without French instructions.

However, there is more to this issue than just sex toys, as shocking as that may seem. This is about censorship. A government shouldn’t dictate to its business owners what kind of instructions must be in their products. Doing so discourages importing and exporting with other countries and puts Quebec store owners at a disadvantage. As great as it is to shop local, many local stores carry products that are made in countries that aren’t so big on the French language, such as Mexico, Taiwan, China and the United States. If Quebec stores are only allowed to carry products bearing French instructions they will not be able to provide as many products as their consumers may want. Would Quebec like it if Mexico stopped imported products manufactured in Quebec because they didn’t include instructions in Spanish?

Of course stores in every province should do their best to meet the needs of those who speak languages other than their own. We are a bilingual country after all. However, Quebec store owners cannot be expected to limit their merchandise to products that contain French instructions or labels. If products from these countries, or other countries, have instructions in English and Spanish, should stores in Quebec or any other Canadian province not be allowed to carry them? Hell no. I don’t know the French term for it but in English we call that poor business sense.