Mark Emery, leader of the British Columbia Marijuana Party, entered jail on Monday to ponder his fate before he is extradited to the United States to serve a five-year jail sentence for mailing marijuana to users ‘round North America. Although Emery is a Canadian and has never visited the land of the free and the home of the brave, he is to serve his sentence in the U.S. because he technically sold seeds in America, albeit via the postal system. Some people, mainly Emery’s wife, argue since Emery is a Canadian, he shouldn’t be “charged and imprisoned in a foreign country” or that Emery should at least be able to do his stint in jail in a Canadian prison. Oh look at that poor criminal, forced to go all the way across the border to the big, bad United States for a crime he admits he committed. Boo freaking’ hoo. People who commit crimes in other countries are generally extradited to that country. Canada generally co-operates, unless the country doing the extraditing is known to have a poor human rights record. Even then, government intervention isn’t guaranteed.
It’s kind of hilarious, in an ironic sort of way, that Emery is being extradited to the United States when he has never even stepped foot in the country. The U.S. might be foreign territory to Emery but it’s not like he’s being forced to leave the continent. Emery might be stuck doing jail time in a country that voted for George W. Bush twice and thinks Jessica Simpson is worthy of a Vanity Fair cover but at least Emery will be able to speak the language.
It would be easy to have an ounce of sympathy for Emery; that is, if he accepted some responsibility for his actions. But sadly, Emery makes it nearly impossible for many of us to like him. A loveable stoner in a Judd Apatow movie, he is not. Emery doesn’t seem to understand that he broke the law. He also doesn’t think his business bred consequences. Emery has been quoted as saying, “There isn't a single victim in my case, no one who can stand up and say, 'I was hurt by Marc Emery.' No one.” But many people are, directly or indirectly, victims of Emery and his business. The majority, if not all of the marijuana seeds Emery sold from 1994 to 2005 were, no doubt, grown into plants. These plants were smoked by teenagers, parents, lovers and hippies. People got high from these plants. Fine, whatever. Some people probably just bought the seeds to grow a plant or two in their dorm room closet. Maybe these people just liked to smoke up occasionally, at parties and with friends, and never sold pot. These occasional stoners probably had a grand old’ time, courtesy of Mark Emery and his magic little seeds. These people presumably weren’t hurt in any way and maybe they didn’t hurt anybody along the way. But some people undoubtedly did hurt themselves, or others. Some drove high, perhaps causing accidents. Some people who grew Emery’s marijuana seeds into marijuana plants sold them to other people. Some of these buyers and sellers were no doubt stuck in a downward spiral they couldn’t break and their lives crumbled, in large part due to drugs. Emery isn’t separate from this pain. The man who sold the seeds is no different from the people who sold the plants. For Emery to claim that “no one” was hurt by his seed-selling business is bullshit. Just ask Emery’s wife Jody who sobbed as she watched her husband being escorted to jail. Just ask Emery himself, who may spend the next five years in a U.S. jail, unless he issues and wins an appeal. Oh, if only there was some way to avoid this whole messy business. Oh wait, there is: don’t break the law in the first place; and, if you are going to break the law, don’t put it on your business cards.
The only person who wasn’t hurt by Emery’s seed-selling business is Emery’s public persona the “Prince of Pot.” Emery’s public image has actually been boosted in the eyes of many, thanks in part to the 30-city “farewell tour” he did before he was taken into custody. Now, instead of being seen as a slimy enabler with a lucrative business, Emery will be seen as a martyr for the marijuana cause. Pot smokers and anti-establishment types all across North America will be in awe of Emery because he is pro-pot, pro-legalization, pro-I-Can-Do-Whatever-I-Want-Even-If-It’s-Against-The-Law-And-I’m-Likely-To-Get-Caught.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Half of Readers Aren’t Really Reading This
Today, I want to talk about something serious. Seriously. And I do not have it in me to be my usual snarky self so please bear with me. Illiteracy is just not something I can find it in my heart to be sarcastic and snooty about; it’s not a hilarious subject. Illiteracy is, in fact, a heart-wrenching subject, one that doesn’t get talked about very often. However, it is my firm belief that ignorance only leads to more ignorance; and so, we cannot bury our heads in the sand any longer. We can no longer ignore the fact that many Canadian adults do not possess the reading skills necessary for completing every-day tasks. Illiteracy isn’t a problem that will go away just because people don’t discuss it; in fact, it will only get worse. And the problem is more relevant in today’s society than most people could ever imagine.
A new interactive map created by the Canadian Council of Learning has revealed that almost half of Canadian adults have only a level two or lower literacy rate. Adult literacy is rated on a scale of one to five; a level three is seen as the bare minimum a person needs to comprehend global knowledge. The study showed that 48 per cent of Canadian adults do not meet these requirements. 48 per cent of Canadians can’t read or comprehend things that many of us take for granted, myself included, such as bus schedules or pill bottles. What the hell happened? What is going on in our school systems that 36 per cent of adult Edmontonians and 35 per cent of adults living in Calgary cannot read at the desired level to function in society?
But surely these numbers represent the uneducated, the homeless, the derelicts of our society, you say? Don’t kid yourself. These numbers represent people of all ethnic groups and income ranges. After all, in St. John, New Brunswick, 53 per cent of adults (defined as someone aged 16 or older) are reading at a level two or lower on the literacy scale. I highly doubt over half of St. John’s population are homeless or unmotivated to learn. These numbers represent people that, for various reasons, have slipped through the cracks of our education system. Over-crowded classrooms and cuts to education budgets over the past years have meant that teachers are over-extended and cannot always give kids the extra time and energy they need to learn new skills, such as reading. And now that many parents need to work more hours than ever in order to make ends meet, many kids may not be getting extra help with reading and writing exercises at home. It doesn’t matter how good a parent you are; reading the latest Disney book with a child isn’t exactly always someone’s top priority after a 12-hour work day. In primary and secondary school, reading is a cumulative learning process. Kids start to learn the alphabet in kindergarten, then work their way up the literacy ladder with pop-up books, work books, short stories, poems and novels. If a child has trouble with the initial steps, do they ever really have a chance to catch up? Kids who aren’t good at reading are often thought to be lazy; kids who don’t like reading usually aren’t given enough motivation to improve their skills.
Reading and writing is such an important part of my life that I can’t imagine not being able to do so. Not only can low literacy affect someone’s ability to move up the corporate ladder but it can also have a direct affect on their personal life. Can you imagine going on a date and not being able to read the menu? Or going to the theatre and not knowing what play you were about to see? Or how about seriously hurting yourself or even dying after accidently taking your roommate’s pills because you couldn’t read the bottle and thought the pills were yours? All of these are very distinct possibilities.
Something needs to change. Canadians cannot accept such wide-spread illiteracy. The Canadian government needs to ensure that more adult-learning programs are in place throughout the country, in order to reach as many adults with low literacy levels as possible. All public libraries should be required to hold regular adult learning sessions at no cost to the attendees. Finally, we must all let go of the stigma attached to illiteracy so that any adults who wish to improve their reading and comprehension skills are not mocked or ashamed of pursing higher learning.
A new interactive map created by the Canadian Council of Learning has revealed that almost half of Canadian adults have only a level two or lower literacy rate. Adult literacy is rated on a scale of one to five; a level three is seen as the bare minimum a person needs to comprehend global knowledge. The study showed that 48 per cent of Canadian adults do not meet these requirements. 48 per cent of Canadians can’t read or comprehend things that many of us take for granted, myself included, such as bus schedules or pill bottles. What the hell happened? What is going on in our school systems that 36 per cent of adult Edmontonians and 35 per cent of adults living in Calgary cannot read at the desired level to function in society?
But surely these numbers represent the uneducated, the homeless, the derelicts of our society, you say? Don’t kid yourself. These numbers represent people of all ethnic groups and income ranges. After all, in St. John, New Brunswick, 53 per cent of adults (defined as someone aged 16 or older) are reading at a level two or lower on the literacy scale. I highly doubt over half of St. John’s population are homeless or unmotivated to learn. These numbers represent people that, for various reasons, have slipped through the cracks of our education system. Over-crowded classrooms and cuts to education budgets over the past years have meant that teachers are over-extended and cannot always give kids the extra time and energy they need to learn new skills, such as reading. And now that many parents need to work more hours than ever in order to make ends meet, many kids may not be getting extra help with reading and writing exercises at home. It doesn’t matter how good a parent you are; reading the latest Disney book with a child isn’t exactly always someone’s top priority after a 12-hour work day. In primary and secondary school, reading is a cumulative learning process. Kids start to learn the alphabet in kindergarten, then work their way up the literacy ladder with pop-up books, work books, short stories, poems and novels. If a child has trouble with the initial steps, do they ever really have a chance to catch up? Kids who aren’t good at reading are often thought to be lazy; kids who don’t like reading usually aren’t given enough motivation to improve their skills.
Reading and writing is such an important part of my life that I can’t imagine not being able to do so. Not only can low literacy affect someone’s ability to move up the corporate ladder but it can also have a direct affect on their personal life. Can you imagine going on a date and not being able to read the menu? Or going to the theatre and not knowing what play you were about to see? Or how about seriously hurting yourself or even dying after accidently taking your roommate’s pills because you couldn’t read the bottle and thought the pills were yours? All of these are very distinct possibilities.
Something needs to change. Canadians cannot accept such wide-spread illiteracy. The Canadian government needs to ensure that more adult-learning programs are in place throughout the country, in order to reach as many adults with low literacy levels as possible. All public libraries should be required to hold regular adult learning sessions at no cost to the attendees. Finally, we must all let go of the stigma attached to illiteracy so that any adults who wish to improve their reading and comprehension skills are not mocked or ashamed of pursing higher learning.
Friday, September 18, 2009
An Open Letter to Junk Food Producers
Dear Makers of all delicious, snack-like treats:
I hear that you, the producers of all that is chewy, gooey and sinfully delicious, had plans to “fortify” all of your tasty, hard-to-resist treats with vitamins and minerals. Do you, the producers, honestly believe that we, the consumers, need any more reasons to scarf down your delightful snacks and thirst-quenching beverages? Do you, the makers of salty chips and sweet chocolate bars, really believe we don’t like your products? Why, that is simply not the case. In fact, we must often talk ourselves out of consuming handfuls of your products every night as we sit bored, with glazed-over eyes in front of our televisions/books/partners.
As I am sure you (and your marketing team) realize, it can be quite difficult to restrain ourselves from eating a Reese Peanut Butter Cup or five after a long day of work. How are we, the hungry and desperate, supposed to stop ourselves from eating more than just one of your Lays chips when we find out that not only are your waist-expanding products scrumptious but also chock full of the vitamins and minerals we need to help prevent that second heart attack? Simply put, we cannot. It is more than we can take. It is one thing to resist chocolate-cover bacon (yes, this exists and is presumed delicious) when we know it is bad for our hearts and waistlines. But if we suddenly found out our favourite products actually had some nutritional value, resisting chocolate and bacon (together or separately) would become a feat too difficult to overcome. People would buy vitamin-enhanced Doritos by the truckload. Supermarkets would be over-run with shoppers demanding Mineral Coca Cola and Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food with extra Omega 3.
Do you think I am exaggerating, producers of consumer products designed to expand our bellies and overwhelm our taste buds? Believe me, sirs and madams of the snack food industry, when I say, I am not. You need only to look at any product labelled “fat-free” to know that I am correct in predicting an increase in obesity and mortality rates if the federal government continued with their plan to allow junk food producers to fortify their products with vitamins and false hope. Too many people treat the “fat-free” label on a box of cookies as a “Get out of Jail Free” card. I know there are people out there who would eagerly eat an entire box of double-stuffed Oreos in one sitting if they only had that forgiving “fat-free” label on the box. Many people also now choose to hydrate themselves with Vitamin Water instead of regular H20 because they believe it is part of a healthy lifestyle. Since Vitamin Water has about 100-120 calories per bottle, and regular tap water has approximately zero calories per serving, Vitamin Water (and all other vitamin-enhanced waters on the market) is not as healthy as we would all desperately like to believe. I should know; I am a recovered Aquafina Vitamin Water-aholic. Cherry Pomegranate was my poison and I was up to two bottles a day. Oh, initially it was a great match. I needed the vitamins and the Aquafina Vitamin Water makers needed suckers like me. Then one day, I looked at the cold, hard facts and admitted that my 200 calories-a-day habit was doing my body more harm than good and I quit my habit.
Vitamin-and-mineral-enhanced junk food products are like communism; they are good in theory but do not work out well in real life. Things like vitamin-enhanced pop and “fat-free, omega-enriched” cookies would be great if everyone who ate them didn’t decide to increase their intake because they thought the snacks in question were actually “good for them.” We, the hungry and gullible, will believe anything you tell us if it means we can have more of our favourite junk foods. Marketing executives would likely prey on a nation with a rapidly-increasing obesity rate and a weakness for chocolate-covered anything. We, as consumers, would be out-matched and we all know it. Luckily, the federal government has decided to kick their potentially dangerous plan to the curb, at least for now. However, I am sure that you, the makers of everything salty, sweet or carbonated, are already planning your next attempt at fattening us all up. But please stop trying to make your already-heavenly products more satisfying and marketable. “Healthy” junk food must remain an oxymoron if any of us are to live past middle age. Thank you and kind regards.
I hear that you, the producers of all that is chewy, gooey and sinfully delicious, had plans to “fortify” all of your tasty, hard-to-resist treats with vitamins and minerals. Do you, the producers, honestly believe that we, the consumers, need any more reasons to scarf down your delightful snacks and thirst-quenching beverages? Do you, the makers of salty chips and sweet chocolate bars, really believe we don’t like your products? Why, that is simply not the case. In fact, we must often talk ourselves out of consuming handfuls of your products every night as we sit bored, with glazed-over eyes in front of our televisions/books/partners.
As I am sure you (and your marketing team) realize, it can be quite difficult to restrain ourselves from eating a Reese Peanut Butter Cup or five after a long day of work. How are we, the hungry and desperate, supposed to stop ourselves from eating more than just one of your Lays chips when we find out that not only are your waist-expanding products scrumptious but also chock full of the vitamins and minerals we need to help prevent that second heart attack? Simply put, we cannot. It is more than we can take. It is one thing to resist chocolate-cover bacon (yes, this exists and is presumed delicious) when we know it is bad for our hearts and waistlines. But if we suddenly found out our favourite products actually had some nutritional value, resisting chocolate and bacon (together or separately) would become a feat too difficult to overcome. People would buy vitamin-enhanced Doritos by the truckload. Supermarkets would be over-run with shoppers demanding Mineral Coca Cola and Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food with extra Omega 3.
Do you think I am exaggerating, producers of consumer products designed to expand our bellies and overwhelm our taste buds? Believe me, sirs and madams of the snack food industry, when I say, I am not. You need only to look at any product labelled “fat-free” to know that I am correct in predicting an increase in obesity and mortality rates if the federal government continued with their plan to allow junk food producers to fortify their products with vitamins and false hope. Too many people treat the “fat-free” label on a box of cookies as a “Get out of Jail Free” card. I know there are people out there who would eagerly eat an entire box of double-stuffed Oreos in one sitting if they only had that forgiving “fat-free” label on the box. Many people also now choose to hydrate themselves with Vitamin Water instead of regular H20 because they believe it is part of a healthy lifestyle. Since Vitamin Water has about 100-120 calories per bottle, and regular tap water has approximately zero calories per serving, Vitamin Water (and all other vitamin-enhanced waters on the market) is not as healthy as we would all desperately like to believe. I should know; I am a recovered Aquafina Vitamin Water-aholic. Cherry Pomegranate was my poison and I was up to two bottles a day. Oh, initially it was a great match. I needed the vitamins and the Aquafina Vitamin Water makers needed suckers like me. Then one day, I looked at the cold, hard facts and admitted that my 200 calories-a-day habit was doing my body more harm than good and I quit my habit.
Vitamin-and-mineral-enhanced junk food products are like communism; they are good in theory but do not work out well in real life. Things like vitamin-enhanced pop and “fat-free, omega-enriched” cookies would be great if everyone who ate them didn’t decide to increase their intake because they thought the snacks in question were actually “good for them.” We, the hungry and gullible, will believe anything you tell us if it means we can have more of our favourite junk foods. Marketing executives would likely prey on a nation with a rapidly-increasing obesity rate and a weakness for chocolate-covered anything. We, as consumers, would be out-matched and we all know it. Luckily, the federal government has decided to kick their potentially dangerous plan to the curb, at least for now. However, I am sure that you, the makers of everything salty, sweet or carbonated, are already planning your next attempt at fattening us all up. But please stop trying to make your already-heavenly products more satisfying and marketable. “Healthy” junk food must remain an oxymoron if any of us are to live past middle age. Thank you and kind regards.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Hey, Rats: Go Away. Hey, Rats: You Can’t Stay
I don’t like rats. I think they are disgusting and not in a frat-boy way. Not only are rats disease-ridden vermin who gnaw away at things that don’t belong to them, but they are literally not even cute. The only rodents who are cute exist solely in Disney movies. People who insist that rats are adorable creatures who deserve to be loved just as much as cuter animals such as panda bears or kittens mystify me. Rats are not meant to be cuddled and one does not need a zoology degree to figure that one out. What perplexes me the most is when people decide to keep rats as pets. Who does that? People whose parents never let them have real pets, that’s who. It is not only gross to have a pet rat but also illegal. Rats are not allowed in Alberta under the province’s Agricultural Pest Act. We literally have people who patrol the boarder not for illegal immigrants and drug smugglers but for rats. People who are found harbouring rats can be fined up to $5000 if they refuse to give up the rats. Anyone who refuses to pay the rat fine can spend up to sixty days in jail.
But, alas, our record of keeping Alberta “rat-free” for over 50 years is at an end now. Norwegian rats have been found in several places within Alberta and not just in towns bordering on Saskatchewan. Rats have been recently found in Taber, Newell County, Airdrie, Springbank and Fort Saskatchewan. No one knows quite how these little vermin slipped through our once-impenetrable guard against rats but the fact is they are here. While suspicions run high that the rats jumped across the border from our neighbouring province Saskatchewan, there has been no actual evidence of this, other than the fact that Swift Current, Saskatchewan is currently overrun with rats. And the fact that the two provinces do border on each other. But since we have no hard evidence other than geography that the rats originated from Saskatchewan, let us not blame our next-door neighbours.
Instead of placing blame, Alberta and Saskatchewan need to team up to conquer this rat invasion. If the rats are originating from Saskatchewan, and only Saskatchewan, then eliminating the rats in Saskatchewan should, in theory, help stop more rats from visiting Alberta. And the more rats both provinces get rid of, the better. You see, when two rats love each other very much (or even just happen to be in the same place at the same time) they will breed. And one Norwegian rat couple can produce 15, 000 rats in one year. ONE YEAR! And those 15, 000 rats could easily split into 7500 rat couples to produce their own harem of rat babies, since rats don’t really care too much about avoiding inbreeding. That means just one rat couple can equal enough rats to take over the world, or at least too many rats to mathematically calculate. And even if I could do that kind of math, I wouldn’t want to know the answer. I’m horrified enough without knowing how many rats could actually be produced in Alberta in my lifetime.
But what’s the big deal, you say? Are rats really as bad as you make them out to be, you wonder? In a word, yes. The rats that are currently invading Alberta are particularly bad. Norwegian rats are known for decimating crops, spreading diseases, contaminating food and chomping on buildings. Times are tough enough as is without a bunch of rats ruining what little crops Alberta’s farmers have left. Not to mention that Norwegian rats apparently like to bit people. Canada can’t even handle preparation for a supposed upcoming H1N1 pandemic; how will the country handle an increase in rat-related diseases in two provinces? Tourism in Alberta could also take a big hit if word gets out that a visit to Alberta could mean some face-to-face time with some rodents, and not the adorable Mickey Mouse variety. Simply put, rats equal chaos. The Alberta government, in conjunction with the Saskatchewan government, needs to put all of our other problems on the backburner for a few weeks and find a way to make this rat problem disappear for good. I don’t know which method is the best for seeking out and killing rats. But I do know Alberta cannot allow the rat invasion to go unnoticed or there will be serious consequences for Alberta farmers and the general population.
But, alas, our record of keeping Alberta “rat-free” for over 50 years is at an end now. Norwegian rats have been found in several places within Alberta and not just in towns bordering on Saskatchewan. Rats have been recently found in Taber, Newell County, Airdrie, Springbank and Fort Saskatchewan. No one knows quite how these little vermin slipped through our once-impenetrable guard against rats but the fact is they are here. While suspicions run high that the rats jumped across the border from our neighbouring province Saskatchewan, there has been no actual evidence of this, other than the fact that Swift Current, Saskatchewan is currently overrun with rats. And the fact that the two provinces do border on each other. But since we have no hard evidence other than geography that the rats originated from Saskatchewan, let us not blame our next-door neighbours.
Instead of placing blame, Alberta and Saskatchewan need to team up to conquer this rat invasion. If the rats are originating from Saskatchewan, and only Saskatchewan, then eliminating the rats in Saskatchewan should, in theory, help stop more rats from visiting Alberta. And the more rats both provinces get rid of, the better. You see, when two rats love each other very much (or even just happen to be in the same place at the same time) they will breed. And one Norwegian rat couple can produce 15, 000 rats in one year. ONE YEAR! And those 15, 000 rats could easily split into 7500 rat couples to produce their own harem of rat babies, since rats don’t really care too much about avoiding inbreeding. That means just one rat couple can equal enough rats to take over the world, or at least too many rats to mathematically calculate. And even if I could do that kind of math, I wouldn’t want to know the answer. I’m horrified enough without knowing how many rats could actually be produced in Alberta in my lifetime.
But what’s the big deal, you say? Are rats really as bad as you make them out to be, you wonder? In a word, yes. The rats that are currently invading Alberta are particularly bad. Norwegian rats are known for decimating crops, spreading diseases, contaminating food and chomping on buildings. Times are tough enough as is without a bunch of rats ruining what little crops Alberta’s farmers have left. Not to mention that Norwegian rats apparently like to bit people. Canada can’t even handle preparation for a supposed upcoming H1N1 pandemic; how will the country handle an increase in rat-related diseases in two provinces? Tourism in Alberta could also take a big hit if word gets out that a visit to Alberta could mean some face-to-face time with some rodents, and not the adorable Mickey Mouse variety. Simply put, rats equal chaos. The Alberta government, in conjunction with the Saskatchewan government, needs to put all of our other problems on the backburner for a few weeks and find a way to make this rat problem disappear for good. I don’t know which method is the best for seeking out and killing rats. But I do know Alberta cannot allow the rat invasion to go unnoticed or there will be serious consequences for Alberta farmers and the general population.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Conquering Back-to-School Fears
It’s September, which means only one thing: it’s back-to-school time. We all know the stereotypical reactions that are expected of parents and kids when back-to-school season starts; parents are supposed to literally jump with joy and glide down the aisles of Staples Business Depot, flinging school supplies into a shopping cart with ill-concealed glee. Kids are supposed to sigh and look depressed, while passively accepting their fate. But is this really how it is for parents and students everywhere? Some psychologists say that children can actually fear going back to the classroom, instead of just feeling disdain for learning and regimented schedules. Young children entering elementary school (or any new school, really) are encouraged to prepare themselves for school before September in order to feel more confident about going back to school.
But what about new university students, or “grown-up children,” if you will? How shall the hoards of anxious teens heading to university or college for the first time settle anxiety about going to a new school? This often-overlooked group of school attendees might face fears ranging from mild (will I like my roommate?) to hysterical (where the hell is my room?!) about entering a school system that is completely different from what they are used to. They have no clue what they are in for. Poor bastards.
Here are some of my infinite pearls of wisdom for the university-bound.
The Pre-University lesson: Go to the doctor and get the flu vaccine. Then stock up on Cold FX, Nyquil, Dayquil or your preferred cold/flu drug of choice. University is a breeding ground for germs. Dorms are the hub of all this germy activity. Dorms are full of sleep-deprived, stressed-out students who drink, eat junk and are used to their mammas taking care of them. All of these things equal snot and sore throats if you’re lucky, meningitis if you’re not. So get lots of sleep, drink plenty of (non-alcoholic) fluids and don’t swap germs with random strangers unless you truly believe they are worth getting sick for.
The Once You Arrive Lesson: If you arrive at your dorm before your roommate, claim the bed by the window. If a psycho breaks into your room (through the door), they are more likely to kill the first person they see. Good luck to you if they break through the window. That brings me to another lesson: always lock your door(s) and window(s). It sounds like common sense but many people don’t lock their dorm doors even when they are sleeping.
The Don’t Get Kicked Out Lesson: Balancing partying with studying is a delicate line to toe but it is a balance that must be learned if you want to be social without flunking out of school. Get your school work out of the way and then party. Try not to do this in the reverse order too many times. The more you procrastinate, the less time you have for socializing. The better you are at time-management, the more fun you will have. Simple as that. If you suck at studying or time management, go see someone at the student services office for help. Most universities offer seminars on learning proper study skills, how to write a better paper and learning to deal with stress. These services are free and should be utilized by everyone, no matter how lame you might feel. You know what else is lame? Failing every university paper you hand in your first semester because you were too proud to go to student services for a free writing seminar.
The It Will Get Better Lesson: Unless you are some kind of genius (and probably even if you are) your grades during your first semester will not be as good as you are used to. University is harder than high school. It takes time to learn how to properly write papers, take good notes in class and study effectively. It might take a few semesters but if you put in consistent effort, your grades will go up. If they don’t, talk to some of your professors to figure out what you can improve on.
The Most Important Lesson: University is fun. Like, crazy amounts of fun. So enjoy the good times; they help carry you through the bad times when you just want to throw your laptop out the window. University will be hard and there will be times (maybe even many times) when you want to quit. But please don’t. The job market is congested enough as is.
But what about new university students, or “grown-up children,” if you will? How shall the hoards of anxious teens heading to university or college for the first time settle anxiety about going to a new school? This often-overlooked group of school attendees might face fears ranging from mild (will I like my roommate?) to hysterical (where the hell is my room?!) about entering a school system that is completely different from what they are used to. They have no clue what they are in for. Poor bastards.
Here are some of my infinite pearls of wisdom for the university-bound.
The Pre-University lesson: Go to the doctor and get the flu vaccine. Then stock up on Cold FX, Nyquil, Dayquil or your preferred cold/flu drug of choice. University is a breeding ground for germs. Dorms are the hub of all this germy activity. Dorms are full of sleep-deprived, stressed-out students who drink, eat junk and are used to their mammas taking care of them. All of these things equal snot and sore throats if you’re lucky, meningitis if you’re not. So get lots of sleep, drink plenty of (non-alcoholic) fluids and don’t swap germs with random strangers unless you truly believe they are worth getting sick for.
The Once You Arrive Lesson: If you arrive at your dorm before your roommate, claim the bed by the window. If a psycho breaks into your room (through the door), they are more likely to kill the first person they see. Good luck to you if they break through the window. That brings me to another lesson: always lock your door(s) and window(s). It sounds like common sense but many people don’t lock their dorm doors even when they are sleeping.
The Don’t Get Kicked Out Lesson: Balancing partying with studying is a delicate line to toe but it is a balance that must be learned if you want to be social without flunking out of school. Get your school work out of the way and then party. Try not to do this in the reverse order too many times. The more you procrastinate, the less time you have for socializing. The better you are at time-management, the more fun you will have. Simple as that. If you suck at studying or time management, go see someone at the student services office for help. Most universities offer seminars on learning proper study skills, how to write a better paper and learning to deal with stress. These services are free and should be utilized by everyone, no matter how lame you might feel. You know what else is lame? Failing every university paper you hand in your first semester because you were too proud to go to student services for a free writing seminar.
The It Will Get Better Lesson: Unless you are some kind of genius (and probably even if you are) your grades during your first semester will not be as good as you are used to. University is harder than high school. It takes time to learn how to properly write papers, take good notes in class and study effectively. It might take a few semesters but if you put in consistent effort, your grades will go up. If they don’t, talk to some of your professors to figure out what you can improve on.
The Most Important Lesson: University is fun. Like, crazy amounts of fun. So enjoy the good times; they help carry you through the bad times when you just want to throw your laptop out the window. University will be hard and there will be times (maybe even many times) when you want to quit. But please don’t. The job market is congested enough as is.
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