An Open Letter to Junk Food Producers

Dear Makers of all delicious, snack-like treats:

I hear that you, the producers of all that is chewy, gooey and sinfully delicious, had plans to “fortify” all of your tasty, hard-to-resist treats with vitamins and minerals. Do you, the producers, honestly believe that we, the consumers, need any more reasons to scarf down your delightful snacks and thirst-quenching beverages? Do you, the makers of salty chips and sweet chocolate bars, really believe we don’t like your products? Why, that is simply not the case. In fact, we must often talk ourselves out of consuming handfuls of your products every night as we sit bored, with glazed-over eyes in front of our televisions/books/partners.

As I am sure you (and your marketing team) realize, it can be quite difficult to restrain ourselves from eating a Reese Peanut Butter Cup or five after a long day of work. How are we, the hungry and desperate, supposed to stop ourselves from eating more than just one of your Lays chips when we find out that not only are your waist-expanding products scrumptious but also chock full of the vitamins and minerals we need to help prevent that second heart attack? Simply put, we cannot. It is more than we can take. It is one thing to resist chocolate-cover bacon (yes, this exists and is presumed delicious) when we know it is bad for our hearts and waistlines. But if we suddenly found out our favourite products actually had some nutritional value, resisting chocolate and bacon (together or separately) would become a feat too difficult to overcome. People would buy vitamin-enhanced Doritos by the truckload. Supermarkets would be over-run with shoppers demanding Mineral Coca Cola and Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food with extra Omega 3.

Do you think I am exaggerating, producers of consumer products designed to expand our bellies and overwhelm our taste buds? Believe me, sirs and madams of the snack food industry, when I say, I am not. You need only to look at any product labelled “fat-free” to know that I am correct in predicting an increase in obesity and mortality rates if the federal government continued with their plan to allow junk food producers to fortify their products with vitamins and false hope. Too many people treat the “fat-free” label on a box of cookies as a “Get out of Jail Free” card. I know there are people out there who would eagerly eat an entire box of double-stuffed Oreos in one sitting if they only had that forgiving “fat-free” label on the box. Many people also now choose to hydrate themselves with Vitamin Water instead of regular H20 because they believe it is part of a healthy lifestyle. Since Vitamin Water has about 100-120 calories per bottle, and regular tap water has approximately zero calories per serving, Vitamin Water (and all other vitamin-enhanced waters on the market) is not as healthy as we would all desperately like to believe. I should know; I am a recovered Aquafina Vitamin Water-aholic. Cherry Pomegranate was my poison and I was up to two bottles a day. Oh, initially it was a great match. I needed the vitamins and the Aquafina Vitamin Water makers needed suckers like me. Then one day, I looked at the cold, hard facts and admitted that my 200 calories-a-day habit was doing my body more harm than good and I quit my habit.

Vitamin-and-mineral-enhanced junk food products are like communism; they are good in theory but do not work out well in real life. Things like vitamin-enhanced pop and “fat-free, omega-enriched” cookies would be great if everyone who ate them didn’t decide to increase their intake because they thought the snacks in question were actually “good for them.” We, the hungry and gullible, will believe anything you tell us if it means we can have more of our favourite junk foods. Marketing executives would likely prey on a nation with a rapidly-increasing obesity rate and a weakness for chocolate-covered anything. We, as consumers, would be out-matched and we all know it. Luckily, the federal government has decided to kick their potentially dangerous plan to the curb, at least for now. However, I am sure that you, the makers of everything salty, sweet or carbonated, are already planning your next attempt at fattening us all up. But please stop trying to make your already-heavenly products more satisfying and marketable. “Healthy” junk food must remain an oxymoron if any of us are to live past middle age. Thank you and kind regards.