Hey, Rats: Go Away. Hey, Rats: You Can’t Stay

I don’t like rats. I think they are disgusting and not in a frat-boy way. Not only are rats disease-ridden vermin who gnaw away at things that don’t belong to them, but they are literally not even cute. The only rodents who are cute exist solely in Disney movies. People who insist that rats are adorable creatures who deserve to be loved just as much as cuter animals such as panda bears or kittens mystify me. Rats are not meant to be cuddled and one does not need a zoology degree to figure that one out. What perplexes me the most is when people decide to keep rats as pets. Who does that? People whose parents never let them have real pets, that’s who. It is not only gross to have a pet rat but also illegal. Rats are not allowed in Alberta under the province’s Agricultural Pest Act. We literally have people who patrol the boarder not for illegal immigrants and drug smugglers but for rats. People who are found harbouring rats can be fined up to $5000 if they refuse to give up the rats. Anyone who refuses to pay the rat fine can spend up to sixty days in jail.

But, alas, our record of keeping Alberta “rat-free” for over 50 years is at an end now. Norwegian rats have been found in several places within Alberta and not just in towns bordering on Saskatchewan. Rats have been recently found in Taber, Newell County, Airdrie, Springbank and Fort Saskatchewan. No one knows quite how these little vermin slipped through our once-impenetrable guard against rats but the fact is they are here. While suspicions run high that the rats jumped across the border from our neighbouring province Saskatchewan, there has been no actual evidence of this, other than the fact that Swift Current, Saskatchewan is currently overrun with rats. And the fact that the two provinces do border on each other. But since we have no hard evidence other than geography that the rats originated from Saskatchewan, let us not blame our next-door neighbours.

Instead of placing blame, Alberta and Saskatchewan need to team up to conquer this rat invasion. If the rats are originating from Saskatchewan, and only Saskatchewan, then eliminating the rats in Saskatchewan should, in theory, help stop more rats from visiting Alberta. And the more rats both provinces get rid of, the better. You see, when two rats love each other very much (or even just happen to be in the same place at the same time) they will breed. And one Norwegian rat couple can produce 15, 000 rats in one year. ONE YEAR! And those 15, 000 rats could easily split into 7500 rat couples to produce their own harem of rat babies, since rats don’t really care too much about avoiding inbreeding. That means just one rat couple can equal enough rats to take over the world, or at least too many rats to mathematically calculate. And even if I could do that kind of math, I wouldn’t want to know the answer. I’m horrified enough without knowing how many rats could actually be produced in Alberta in my lifetime.

But what’s the big deal, you say? Are rats really as bad as you make them out to be, you wonder? In a word, yes. The rats that are currently invading Alberta are particularly bad. Norwegian rats are known for decimating crops, spreading diseases, contaminating food and chomping on buildings. Times are tough enough as is without a bunch of rats ruining what little crops Alberta’s farmers have left. Not to mention that Norwegian rats apparently like to bit people. Canada can’t even handle preparation for a supposed upcoming H1N1 pandemic; how will the country handle an increase in rat-related diseases in two provinces? Tourism in Alberta could also take a big hit if word gets out that a visit to Alberta could mean some face-to-face time with some rodents, and not the adorable Mickey Mouse variety. Simply put, rats equal chaos. The Alberta government, in conjunction with the Saskatchewan government, needs to put all of our other problems on the backburner for a few weeks and find a way to make this rat problem disappear for good. I don’t know which method is the best for seeking out and killing rats. But I do know Alberta cannot allow the rat invasion to go unnoticed or there will be serious consequences for Alberta farmers and the general population.